timeimmortal

This is alarmingly relevant to the current situation in Canada:

…white people, blessed with both time and energy, are not these kind of people. In fact there are few things white people love more than being offended.

Naturally, white people do not get offended by statements directed at white people. In fact, they don’t even have a problem making offensive statements about other white people (ask a white person about “flyover states”). As a rule, white people strongly prefer to get offended on behalf of other people.

It is also valuable to know that white people spend a significant portion of their time preparing for the moment when they will be offended. They read magazines, books, and watch documentaries all in hopes that one day they will encounter a person who will say something offensive. When this happens, they can leap into action with quotes, statistics, and historical examples. Once they have finished lecturing another white person about how it’s wrong to use the term “black” instead of “African-American,” they can sit back and relax in the knowledge that they have made a difference.

White people also get excited at the opportunity to be offended at things that are sexist and/or homophobic. Both cases offering ample opportunities for lectures, complaints, graduate classes, lengthy discussions and workshops. All of which do an excellent job of raising awareness among white people who hope to change their status from “not racist” to “super not racist.”

Grace has a slightly darker skin complexion than most people apparently expect she should have (I don’t know how that works, but there it is…), and she gets asked about it a fair bit. This frustrates her to no end.

My last suggestion to her was to respond to each inquiry with an inquiry of her own: “Is that a racial statement?” I figure that should send most questioners scampering for the door. ;)

The last few entries at Stuff White People Like have been…meh. But this latest one is in fine form.

Before talking about the types of bumper stickers that white people like, it’s very important to get an understanding about layout and placement. When a white person drives an older car (6+ years old) that has a resale value under $2000, they will coat the entire backside of the car in bumper stickers. Because of the abundance of space they are free to include stickers from all areas of white support: music, politics, the environment, insults to right wing politicians, and various movements that tell people to keep a city “weird.”

But when white people have a nice new car such as a Prius or an Audi station wagon, the fear of losing resale value prevents them from applying more than one sticker. Therefore that one sticker must properly capture the essence of the car and the political views of the driver.

The safest and most accepted choice for a sticker is always one that supports a Democratic Presidential candidate (Ralph Nader is an acceptable substitute). As of February 2008, white law requires an Obama 08 bumper sticker to be placed on the back of every Prius. Though these stickers reach peak effectiveness during an election year, it is acceptable to leave this sticker on the car until the next election regardless of whether or not the candidate actually won. If it’s a disputed election like in 2000, the sticker can be left on for the life of the car.

If a white person does not feel like supporting a candidate, they will likely select a bumper sticker that tells other people what to do. Some popular ones include telling people to Coexist and to stop eating meat.

…

Note: attaching a yellow magnetic ribbon to the back of your car will result in being shunned from some of the stricter white communities and should avoided at all costs.

It’s been said before, but it bears repeating: if your political views can be accurately expressed on a single bumper sticker, or even a small collection thereof, then it stands to reason that your political views are likely too simplistic and trite to be worth consideration.

The guys who run this ostensibly humourous site are often too eerily good:

…the secret reason why all white people love socialized medicine is that they all love the idea of receiving without having a full-time job. This would allow them to work as a freelance designer/consultant/copywriter/photographer/blogger, open their own bookstore, stay at home with their kids, or be a part of an internet start-up without having to worry about a benefits package. Though many of them would never follow this path, they appreciate having the option.

If you need to impress a white person, merely mention how you got hurt on a recent trip Canada/England/Sweden and though you were a foreigner you received excellent and free health care. They will be very impressed and likely tell you about how powerful drug and health care lobbies are destroying everything.

Though their passion for national health care runs deep, it is important to remember that white people are most in favor of it when they are healthy. They love the idea of everyone have equal access to the resources that will keep them alive, that is until they have to wait in line for an MRI.

This is very similar to the way that white people express their support for public schools when they don?t have children.

Not that socialized health care is necessarily “free” — ever wonder why many European nations have exorbitantly high tax rates?

Blazing Cat Fur writes in concerning David Kahane.

The mind “God gave to Kahane” is a barren place.

I don’t know whether Mr. Kahane’s mind is barren or not. But something amusing did occur to me last night. On his Facebook profile, Mr. Kahane lists his Religion as Buddhist. In addition to explaining the basic methodology of his course, it reminded me of something that white people like.

White people will often say they are “spiritual” but not religious. Which usually means that they will believe any religion that doesn’t involve Jesus.

Popular choices include Buddhism, Hinduism, Kabbalah and, to a lesser extent, Scientology. A few even dip into Islam, but it’s much more rare since you have to give stuff up and actually go to Mosque.

Barren mind? Maybe — I couldn’t honestly say, having never met the man myself. Eerily predictable? Yes, quite possibly.

Stuff White People Like.

This will be, I think, a very funny blog to read through. I’ve only paged through it in brief and already its given me some laugh-out-loud “tragically” funny moments.