Time Immortal

Apparently, the glorious religion of Islam allows for marriages to be conducted via telephone. That’s right, folks — a guy in Toronto can get married to a girl in Pakistan in a five minute long-distance call, and after the exchange of a dowry (it’s easier than ever to send money over the Internet!) the marriage is legal — at least according to Islamic law.

Long-distance telephone marriages can be dialled up under Sharia law and then used to sponsor loved ones into Canada, Muslim leaders say.

Two Muslim leaders have told the telephone marriages are permissible under Islamic law and require two witnesses and imams here and abroad to conduct the vows, which may have the bride in Pakistan and the groom in Toronto.

Once completed, a marriage certificate is obtained abroad legitimately in Muslim countries and can be used by the groom for sponsoring his new wife to Canada, one Mississauga imam said.

Mumtaz Ali, of the Canadian Association of Muslims, said he conducted a telephone marriage between a student in Toronto and his about-to-be wife in India.

“He was a university student and couldn’t leave,” Ali said. “It is a civil contract and the vows were conducted over the phone.”

A marriage certificate was obtained and the student was able to sponsor his wife to Canada, he said.

The vow takes less than five minutes and a dowry is exchanged to seal the ceremony, Ali said.

‘NOT WIDESPREAD’

“These telephone marriages are taking place but are not widespread,” said the former lawyer for the Ontario attorney-general’s office. “The parties must know each other and have developed a relationship. Most of the times the couple have been introduced by family members,” Ali said. “In many cases one person may not be able to leave the country.”

Imam Sayyid Muhammad Rizvi, of Ja’ffari Islamic Centre, in Toronto, said: “These marriages are perfectly acceptable under sharia law … the marriage certificate is taken to the Canadian embassy where it is recognized.”

Well, that’s nice, Mr. Rizvi. But sharia is not the law in Canada, and there is no reason why these “telephone marriages” should be viewed as legal in Canada, even if they are perfectly legal in other countries or barbaric legal systems that hail from the 7th century.

Perhaps I’m just being old-fashioned, but I’m of the opinion that if you can’t either be man enough to get married whilst in the same room as your wife-to-be, you shouldn’t get married. If, for whatever reason, you can’t afford to fly out to where your wife-to-be is situated so as to be wed to her, then you shouldn’t go ahead with it. I mean, if you don’t even have the money to fly to…India or Pakistan or wherever…then how the heck can you afford to support your wife and family in the first place?

Oh, right…claim additional welfare benefits, I forgot. This is blatant parasitism — nothing more. And Canada shouldn’t allow it. Oh, that’s not to say that Canada has any ability to dictate what sharia law does and does not stipulate (pity — we could at least overhaul the inability of Muslim law to differentiate between hair and breasts*), but Canada does have every right to dictate whether or not it accepts as valid the stipulations of sharia law. I think the proper response to these telephone marriages is a simple one as well: “you can live with your new wife, sir, in the country which the marriage certificate was issued in. Or you can live in Canada and spare us the farce.”

Still, there’s one advantage men who get married this way have: they can get divorced by text message if they get bored with the phone wife. I wonder…does sharia permit a Muslim man to marry his limit of four wives all by phone? Or does he only get one?

(In Soviet Russia, hat tips you: FreeMarkSteyn)

Update: Welcome, Steynians!