I was just about ready to chew through solid lead after reading this article in magazine (which Dr. Helen linked to initially). The article — entitled Relationship Conflicts: Your Annoying Habits; 8 Things She Hates About You — was written by a young (?) lady to highlight…well, here, why not have it in her own words (once again, we have an example of a woman columnist talking trash about her husband/boyfriend):
Most of the time he has no idea of what sets me off. Which is why I’ve prepared this handy inventory of things men tend to do that we tend to find annoying. If you study up, you’ll be able to stop repelling the women you want to meet — or aggravating the one you have. And we women can continue not telling you why we’re mad, because we’ll figure, “Hey, he should know already!” Besides, who said this would be fair?
While I’ll grant that there are a few good points made in the article — let us be honest, O Reader: men should be mindful of some things, such as basic cleanliness, the different emotional and conversational needs of women as opposed to other men, the nature of commitment (especially when sex has been a factor in the relationship prior to marriage), and the ugliness of porn — there is also an undeserved harshness to the article as well. It comes off as, at best, condescending (the general air of the article is one of a smart, enlightened woman talking down to barely post-cave-dwelling men), and at worst downright demeaning.
And annoyance #7 made my blood boil, and was the principle contributor to the aforementioned desire to bite through lead:
Annoyance #7
You turn down sex.When it so happens that we’re the one who wants sex and you’re the one who doesn’t, we find your refusal to be confusing* and irritating**. Reassure us that we’re attractive and that you love us, but that you just aren’t in the mood. It helps to throw out a hint at what’s going on — that you’re tired, depressed, anxious at work, whatever, says Aline Zoldbrod, Ph.D., a Boston-area psychologist***. That way we won’t obsess or be too pouty or aggressive****. If we happen to be fresh off a girls’ night out liquored up and ready for sex, which you’re refusing, tread extra carefully. Horny can change to emotional, crying wreckage very quickly when your girl has a couple of glasses of Prosecco in her*****.
Points I might make:
- * why is this confusing? Or is the author writing from the assumption that men always, by definition, want sex, and that no “real” man would ever turn down sex when offered the opportunity for it?
** this part of the argument is specious, since it is probably of no issue or concern to the columnist that her man might find it a bit irritating when she turns down sex for any particular reason
*** this is not bad advice, to be sure, but how often is the requested action reciprocated?
**** I thought “no means no”…yes?
I was actually going to highlight the absurdity of this particular point by re-wording it to appear as though it had been written by a man and addressed to women…but I see that I was beaten to the punch.
When it so happens that we’re the one who wants sex and you’re the one who doesn’t, we find your refusal to be confusing and irritating. Reassure us that we’re attractive and that you love us, but that you just aren’t in the mood. It helps to throw out a hint at what’s going on — that you’re tired, depressed, anxious at work, whatever, says Aline Zoldbrod, Ph.D., a Boston-area psychologist. That way we won’t obsess or be too pouty or aggressive. If we happen to be fresh off a boys’ night out liquored up and ready for sex, which you’re refusing, tread extra carefully. Horny can change to emotional, crying wreckage very quickly when your man has a couple of shots of Wild Turkey in him.
Once again, I am counting my blessings that I married a girl who doesn’t treat men with condescension, and who is genuinely fair in terms of how she matches the treatment she expects from others with the treatment she gives to others. Thank you so much, honey!
