Time Immortal

Knut, the cute little polar bear cub, is all growed up — and isn’t it sweet? He’s already tried to eat one of the zoo’s visitors.

I always cringe when I see people fawning over pictures of, for example, bear cubs, because those same animals that are admittedly rather cute when small do not stay small for long, nor do they tend to retain their charming personalities. In the end, even the cutest little polar bear cub will, in time, grow into a rather mean brute of an animal whose only interest in people is as a source of food.

Too often, I think we tend to view animals through the lens of Disney movies, falsely acknowleding a sense of nobility and “humanity” in them. I wonder — honestly — how many people have died from thinking that Bambi was not nearly as fictional as it was?

Maybe it’s just because it was yesterday and everyone’s feelings about love and romance are all out of whack, but there have been a lot of posts this week looking at the growing trend among men to put off marriage. From discussions of how society’s instant gratification-oriented, over-permissive, abortion-as-birth control society is encouraging men to have immature attitudes toward commitment, to discussions of how society’s attitudes toward divorce and the tendency of more and more women to choose to put off marriage until their 30s is teaching men, often through hard and bitter disappointment, that marriage is simply not worth it, there’s been a glut of commentary that, on the face of it, would seem to be rather “down” on the whole concept of long-term love and marital commitment.

On the flip side, though, there have also been a number of enlightening articles on the effect that marriage has on men, the maturation that it effects. The cure for our post-modern culture is not to make our attitudes toward casual sex and abortion even more liberal and permissive, but to reverse the trend entirely; fiery romance has its place, but it is in giving rise to new life that the purest joy of love is made known to a couple. Strangely, more than a little commentary has been devoted to the notion that “settling” for a good partner when the opportunity arrives, rather than waiting until that Prince Charming or Princess…whatever name you give a Disney princess…comes along (and thus passing up any number of reasonably suitable other people), is in fact a very good decision, and one that will promote both the emotional maturation of both men and women, but will also contribute to the long-term stability of a relationship (as compared to the dreamers who await that perfect someone).

For my own, I think marriage is worth it — in fact; I think marriage is very worthwhile, and (moreover) the highest calling I’ve ever received in my mortal existence. And perhaps I’ve been fortunate in that the girl that I married was not only the first (and only) girl I ever really fell into romantic love with, but was also a genuinely great person to be in love with. I didn’t “settle” when I married Grace. One hates to use a “gaming” metaphor, but in marrying Grace I “won,” and by no small margin either.

I can see where a lot of the negativity many men feel toward marriage comes from when I look out at what’s left of Canada’s post-Christian society. divorce is very heavily stacked in favour of women, so much so that it’s no surprise that many men simply feel it’s not worth the time and effort to get married in the first place. Men tend to be analytical thinkers by their very nature, and most men tend to look at life with a “pros and cons” or “profit and loss” category set. Unfortunately, for many men, contemplating marriage puts a lot of entries on the “cons” list, and few enough in the “pros” list.

Divorce, which I mentioned above, is one easy example, and that goes double (or more) once kids are involved. The process, in most Western nations, is stacked very much in favour of women, and men can face the prospect not only of financial ruin, but also career ruin, if a vindictive ex-wife makes even a hint of a false allegation of abuse or sexual misconduct. I also think that many women either do not know, or do not care to know, the way men function, or what their emotional and spiritual needs may be. Despite the stereotypical images, I think many men are actually fairly private individuals, and I think a goodly number of women make the mistake of forcing extreme openness onto men at too early a stage. That’s not to say that men cannot be open, nor is it to say that men should not be open, but it is to remark that for a lot of men the process of opening up to women (or to anyone) is a long-term thing. I also happen to think that too many women take it upon themselves to try and “change” their men, whatever that means — that’s also something destined to fail in most cases, and ranks high on the list of “cons” many men see when they comtemplate marriage. The expectation of semi-constant nagging and unreasonable burden of personality and habit reformations is, frankly, a pretty large put-off.

Again, I’ve been lucky, almost unnaturally lucky, because Grace is none of the above things. She believes in the sanctity of marriage, believes in its permamence, and is willing to let me be who I am, and to change at the pace I need to change at. Sometimes the shifts are very gradual, and sometimes they’re very sudden…this goes to the maturing effect that marriage tends to have on men (also mentioned above).

In the years that I’ve known Grace, there were several years in which my outlook on life could best be described as bitter. God forgive me for who I became during and after my foray into liberal Catholicism (a pit from which Grace helped to pull me). During that time, both as a result of my warped views and as a result of the more or less complete self destruction of the faith life of most of my family (which took with it a lot of their happiness and ability to love and trust, incidentally — atheists out there who think of the waning of faith as a good thing might want to pause and reconsider the consequenes of that waning). In fact, even up until the date of the wedding, and for a while after, I wasn’t the most pleasant person to be around. Not by a long shot.

But something began to happen after a couple of months. All that pent up frustration, all that bitterness, all that disappointment…it all just began to let go. Troubles I thought I was facing turned out to be…well…no trouble at all. And this girl that I’d married, this girl that I thought for sure I loved so very much…well…it turns out that I’d only been loving her a fraction as much as she deserved from me. And out of that, I knew one thing: I wanted to grow. I wanted to be the husband someone like Grace deserves, wanted to take how much I loved her already and love her even more, because that’s what she’s really worth. And I did that…just like that, basically.

Grace was (understandably) weirded out by some of it, but there it was. And I realized something again just last night: I’m married to a wonderful young woman, and that is an amazing thing. And I love her at least as much (read: a heck of a lot more) as I did when I first met her. And yes, I loved her from the moment we met, and even in our darkest times I couldn’t let that go.

But I wanted even that love to grow, because she’s the sort of person who deserves even better than that. So…I made a choice, and that love grew. That’s maturity, and the “in action” example of the maturing effect that marriage has on men. And while I’m happy that for the time being, we’re not trying to get pregnant, in a certain sense I cannot wait to have kids, because I know that there’s going to be even more opportunities to grow and mature in that adventure.

This isn’t some sappy Tom Cruise “you complete me” sentiment — this is me saying that the girl I found, the girl I married, inspires me to realize that I can always be a better man, and stokes in me the desire to reach for that goal.

I think its lamentable that men and women both put off marriage. They do it for different reasons, most of which are tragic at best and abhorrent at worst, but all in all it’s a lamentable thing indeed. Marriage is an amazing gift, and if you do it right it’s an adventure and a fulfilling experience like no other. It’s a great opportunity to grow, although you can only really expect to grow in it if you can be mature enough beforehand to accept that you are capable of growth. It does change you, but it should change you in ways that are beneficial to both you and your spouse.

And I think it’s a shame how, in our post-modern world, we’ve forgotten those simple truths, and erected so many roadblocks to achieving that real happiness in matrimony. Grace and I are, unfortunately, something of a rarity these days, and that’s not the way it should be at all. I think society has a duty to expect better from its men and women.